Dear No One,
Sometimes I have these moments of panic. On some days, it’s only a few seconds, like a brush against my mind reminding me that it has never left. Other times, it lasts a few hours, or even a few days. And when I’m in this panic, I start to think that I’m trapped. That I will never be able to get out of this life I’m living. And that scares me so much sometimes that I wish I could just curl up and go to sleep, block it all out with something that isn’t real. I can’t think of any other word for it except suffocating. Like as if I let it, it would leave me gasping for breath with a racing heart. And I’ve worked so hard to get myself out of this darkness. I refuse to fall back in. But this is not darkness. It’s something so much worse. It’s emptiness. And above all, I fear loneliness, abandonment, and lastly, emptiness. Because when there is nothing there, then your thoughts come alive. There is nobody to ground you, to reassure you with a simple word that you’re still here, you still matter.
Sometimes, I have these moments of panic. And I close my eyes tightly, take a deep breath in, and force myself to brush away the visions. So that all that is left is to continue on in the life that has been set for me.
Dear No One,
I find myself at a loss in life right now. As if I’m not sure if I’m heading in the right direction, making the right choices. I always told myself by the time this came around I would be prepared. I wouldn’t be like all those others who would stumble blindly as if they were in the dark, even though it seemed obvious they were in a brightly lit room. And yet, once again, I find that nothing is as it seems in life. Every choice you choose to make will not always be the right one. It might not always be the wrong one. But at the end of the day, you were given a life. Isn’t it an expectation then that you choose to live it accordingly, to leap in head first and tell yourself that it’s what is needed?
Or is it just me making up my own criteria?