When I Think of What May Come to Pass

When I think of what may come to pass

Each thought does not stay but rather

Like gnats swarming around my mind,

They cannot be caught or waved away

And suddenly,

My head fills with the sickly scent of blood and desperation from so far away

And the tears that slide down my cheeks are not my own,

But rather the fallen hope of thousands

And their pain is so real,

So poignant,

That I cry out and clasp my hands to my ears

Trying to drown out their pleas for safety

Because I am one and only one

And my voice remains small in this world this voice that I cannot control and so I hold myself tighter to try and keep everything that is shattered together for just a little more longer as if my thoughts will able to save those so far away and yet so near at the same time but I can’t.

I can’t.

My wrists are shackled by fear and hate and my mind cowers when shadows fill the space and suddenly,

The only thing I am is powerless

And my words spill like blood on the tiled floor and all I can see is burning buildings breathing their last breath as they collapse.

All I see is those I gave my heart to throwing it back, grinding it into the mud with the heel of their boot that they had to wear as mandated by the society they follow

All I hear is desperation and fear echoing through the empty halls,

pleas for help,

pleas for a mother,

a father,

a daughter,

a sister,

a husband,

But damnit I’m not strong enough to save you!

I want to reach out my arms through time and space and tell you that everything will be okay even though I have nothing to offer,

Even though I cannot bring back the dead

Or innocence

Or hope

But that doesn’t make me want to stop.

I want to help so badly that sometimes the thought of lying in bed and doing nothing makes my chest constrict painfully and I can’t breathe as I am once again overcome

by smoke,

by blood,

by bullets,

by shouts,

 by screams

And when I drop multicolored pieces of paper into a taped up plain box

When I let someone strap me to a chair and take the only substance I can offer in hopes that maybe, just maybe, this time it will let someone live

All I can think is that it’s not enough

What I can give will not be enough for what is to come and believe me

If I could give you everything that’s me to save you I would in a heartbeat

Because that’s all I have

My heart

I know it’s not enough and I’m sorry

But I will try

I will try

For my voice to echo loudly through these halls so that even though I’m only one person I might be able to do something

You mean so much to me

Even though I’ve never seen your soul reflected through your tired and beaten eyes

And this is my promise

Even though I am so far from you that our lights may never cross

I will never allow myself to forget what could be

And when I think of what may come to pass,

The fire that burns in my bloodstream doesn’t allow me to throw the thought away

And though I am one and only one

But I will fight in any way I can

Because this is so much more than me

This is my promise

I will fight

For you.

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