My sister and I
I say it that way because it has always been that more than half the way I walk, talk, and act is because of her
We exist in one universe and yet the fates decided that we would never really be sisters
Because if somehow our energies collided we would both explode into a million shards, each hitting off each other and causing destruction
We both existed with the belief that we were never supposed to be friends
Never supposed to be sisters
When we were younger
We used to think what it would be like if one of us wasn’t born
I wonder when it stopped being a game
And started becoming a wish
I often think that it’s my fault
Had I not been me, had I had the disposition of my cousins then maybe I would be perfect enough for her so that when I said we were sisters her automatic response wouldn’t be, “we are not sisters.”
If I hadn’t done the things I’d done, said the things I said, would I have been a friend instead of a girl whose only connection is blood?
People often say, “oh siblings fight all the time. Don’t take it to heart.”
Yes, siblings fight all the time.
Yes, I am older, and therefore I am supposedly stronger, and should build my heart out of steel so that those who were supposed to be my family won’t be able to leave me gasping for breath
My sister has taken every word and action I’ve ever thrown at her and she decided she would build a poison tipped sword so that when my next insult came flying she would be prepared
But she took so long that in the time it took her to craft it, I was realizing how much hurt I had inflicted.
Too blinded by the past, she threw the swords without realizing the threats had lessened.
My attempts to build a bridge back to her only made her light a match and burn the whole thing down again
I left my heart open in hopes that even though there were years of damage between us maybe she would forgive me.
I never realized how much damage I had caused until the moment she fell sick, and when I stood in her room asking if she was okay, she would plead with me with hate-filled eyes to go away
How could I help her and keep my own heart protected?
And while she laid there sick
I moved from grief, to anger, to guilt
Because when she began walking again
She never gave me a second glance
To her, the matter of being related by blood was a small issue. She had realized that blood wasn’t everything.
She trusted others more than me.
And even though I raced to the office every time someone told me she wasn’t feeling well,
Even though most of my days were filled with a majority of my thoughts being centered around her
I couldn’t fix what I had so foolishly let go.
Don’t take it to heart.
But I couldn’t help it.
So now my heart lies in pieces on the floor.
And I have tried to put it together again with tears
But it has fallen apart every single time
To those who think that just because she’s younger she doesn’t know any better
She knew more than me
To those who think that fights mean nothing in the long run
Don’t forget that every action has an equal and opposite reaction
And the back and forth battle only served to twist the sword in deeper
Don’t forget the existence of memory
Those people who say that older siblings should know better
Then turn around and say age is nothing but a number
I wish I could tell my sister I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused her
I wish I could tell you that I’m not perfect but I’m trying so hard to be the sister you want me to be
I wish you and I had the courage to turn our backs on fate and say that when we exist in the universe as stars, when we collide it will do nothing more than cause something brighter to glow
I wonder if you ever think how we used to be
The laughs and the silly stories around the kitchen table
The town of stuffed animals we would recreate in the late hours of the night
The time we were supposed to be cleaning the walls but instead we started a water fight
When we would be watching Mary Kate and Ashley again and again when everyone else was asleep.
When we became obsessed with Camp Rock and I would constantly whisper to you in the middle of the movie asking if you were still awake.
When you used to come barging into my room just so you could mess up my books.
Do you remember?
Before the silence and the closed doors, before the fights and the insults, before the burned bridge that left nothing but ashes?
Do you remember?
Because I remember
And sometimes I wonder
Did you ever think of us as,
My sister and I?